Levels of Engagement

Boot Camp.

That's what they're calling our first four week intensive on the Greeks.  And it is a pretty damn good analogy.  I am pushed to my limit and beyond - physically, emotionally, mentally.  And, yes, I did choose to be here.  But that doesn't change the fact that at the end of my day, I am so eager for my dinner, that I blister my lip on pasta that hasn't cooled enough to eat...and then fall into bed with my hair still dripping wet from the shower.  I'm sore.  Really sore.  But in a good way.  In that delicious, tender way that reminds you with every knee bend, with every laugh, with every new attempt at memorization that you have been working your body and mind in new directions and that although you feel temporarily weakened, new strength is being garnered.

Engage (v): to draw into, to involve, to occupy, to enter into conflict with, to attract and hold the attention of, to engross, to win over or attract, to interlock

Specifically speaking about acting: no one is interested when you drop into thinking about what it feels like on the inside.  (Now that I think about it, even in the real life, no one besides your therapist or your mom is really interested about what it feels like on the inside - most people only want to know how you carry that into the world)  Eyes blurred, thinking about the specific part of my body I'm attempting to control in movement class..."keep engaged".  Eyes forward...engage outward.  In voice class, focusing on the mechanics of breath...."be engaged".  Even in the simplest of exercises, we are being constantly reminded that each part of our practice is eventually for the purpose of performance.  Working on being a part of a chorus in acting class - we are asked to listen - to see each other with our ears....but not to allow ourselves to disengage with the world visually.  (Let's be honest, if you are trying to actively listen to something, your instinct is usually either to follow it visually or to close your eyes and experience it without the interference of vision).

It is a huge temptation for me both personally and as an actor to focus inward and disengage when things get tough.  If problem-solving gets complex, games get challenging, or I am feeling lost, my first tendency is to retreat internally.  This is an instinct that is useful in many situations...and is born out of the truth: I trust myself.  I know that if I step away from the world, I can figure this damn thing out.  But in acting, we must look outward...send the energy outward in order to resolve the problem or get back on track.  Because ultimately, our private universe means nothing - it is only when we are sharing that life, that breath with other actors on stage - and in turn, with an audience - that our experience has meaning as an artist.

And yes, I am still a nerd at the core.  My favorite part of voice class has been when Alex hands out diagrams of the anatomy and explains the dynamics of where the diaphragm actually attaches to the body and how the transverse abdominals and obliques work in conjunction to control the deflation of the diaphragm in order to create sound.  Science?  Cooooool.  Of course, I then find myself completely hyper-aware of the process, and have almost no ability to then "allow the breath to fall back in"....once aware, I am consciously controlling every part of that completely automatic system!  He assures me that this too is part of the process... (and then reminds me to open my eyes and engage!)

We are starting our studies with the Greek chorus.  Why not the highly emotive protagonist?  Because our trajectory this year is going to be one of moving from the "we" to the "I".  As we work our way through Greeks, commedia, Jacobean & Elizabethan, into more modern playwrights....our technique will become increasingly focused on the interior and independent motivation.   But for now we are working on the collective: the community.  How does a chorus work?  What does it mean to be an individual within a group?  What is the purpose of this community in the structure of the play, and how do we make it relevant to a modern audience?

What about my community of fellow actors?  We are from all over the Northern Hemisphere.  We are 11 men and 7 women.  We have lived less than 23 years and more than 60.  We are native and non native English speakers.  We have vastly different experiences professionally and theatrically.  Which makes none of us outsiders.  It creates a great environment for the learning process.  (And for some engaging conversation at Ye Olde Swiss Cottage pub.)

And speaking of Ye Olde Swiss Cottage, I should make note that I have apparently become rather quickly acclimated to my new no-makeup, all-black dress code.  When an impromptu group decided to go grab a beer after a long day, I didn't have a second thought about popping in for a half-pint (ok, ok, let's be honest, a double whiskey) with my nun-at-a-workout style.  hmmm...that took exactly three days.

On the flip side, when presented with an opportunity to 'go out' (read: appointment at the Apple Store on a Saturday) it took me an hour and a half to decide on an outfit.  And that outfit was chosen with specific consideration of what eyeshadow would work with it.

I'm an idiot.

But I am having the time of my life.