Try it. For the first ten seconds, you think, 'Hey, she's crazy. This isn't so bad.' Keep in it. You'll understand why I loathe this particular 5 minutes out of my day more than any other.
That being said, I'm going to miss the daily voice and body work after this last week of the intensive is finished. It is going to be up to me at the gym and on my own to keep my vocal dexterity and physical stamina up. Plus, it has been incredibly enriching to be struggling and growing with my fellow MAAC classmates. I have been blessed with an extremely talented and committed group to journey through this learning process with me. And although I'm sure we would all be quite sick of each other if this schedule continued - it has been a good jump start to the year.
That being said, it has not been easy. I have been struggling with much of the approach so far. I came to learn new techniques, to sharpen my skills and to get more in depth with my training. My program has offered a trip to the hardware store of technique. You don't need every tool at the store. Even if you need lots of tools - you don't need EVERY tool. You may need a hammer and a rubber mallet and a nail gun and a sledgehammer to do your job. When you go to the store, they don't just have one of each of those...there are many choices. You have to find the one that fits you. How? You pick it up, you judge the weight of it in your hand, you check what materials it is constructed out of, you see if it is rated well, you decide if it is right for you. I have a toolbox of skills. Well supplied. Some of those tools may be in need of replacing, some need to be sharpened, some will last me forever. But the last three weeks has been lots of trying out of new tools that don't quite feel right. And a few that I'll walk around the store with them in my basket while I decide whether they fit my life or not. But there has been no moment of "Aha! Here's one that I'll buy!" Which, I'll be honest, in the first three weeks in a course that I have given up a comfortable life to be a part of, and gone into debt to afford...is more than a little disconcerting. I keep reminding myself daily to stay open and to try on whatever comes my way. And each day, I've been mostly disappointed that what I'm trying on doesn't click for me. Even if I understand intellectually the how and why behind the theory, most of them haven't had any real personal connection that I feel I can use in my career for years to come.
And yesterday, as if on cue, the heavens opened up. The rain clouds moved aside. Bright light shone down in rays on me. We started working on script analysis with a new professor. It was technique that I already was comfortable with - so it wasn't the discovery of something new - but there was a huge reassurance that at least some of our process here was going to be less of a personal struggle. Some of it is going to be as comfortable and confident as pulling on your favorite pair of jeans. I couldn't help getting excited. It just felt SO good!
That being said, it was an interesting week for my work. Because I had been struggling daily...not connecting to the exercises we were given....I had actually gotten to a point of ease about it. Usually if faced with a struggle, I redouble my efforts. I am highly competitive with myself, and I will not lose. But that kind of effort in this environment only reinforces my desire to shut down when faced with the daily struggle. And shutting down is the only real failure I could actually have. So I let go. I dropped the importance of connecting. To pick back up the jeans metaphor....you have to get in the right mindframe to go jeans shopping. You have to let go of the outcome of 'finding the perfect pair' today. And no matter how frustrating it is to try on pair after pair after pair that don't work on you - you keep going back out there for more. Your best friend came with you and found a pair on her second trip to the dressing room? Try not to let that compound your frustration. You'll either find a pair today or you won't. And this mentality absolutely reflected in my work. I was much happier to try the new processes that didn't work for me. I was much more relaxed in the resulting success or failure. I've got an entire year to explore. There are going to be lots of ways of working that aren't useful for me. If I look around, I am reminded that they aren't just teaching this course to ME. I've got 17 classmates all on the same journey - all looking for their own set of tools. Oh, that's right. I'm NOT the center of the universe! Thank goodness.
All this relaxation about my process was accompanied by a storm of nightmares. It was as if my subconscious was battling with my conscious brain about the best approach. I had actor's nightmares (which for those of you who aren't actors are much the same as the going-to-school-without-pants dreams you had as a kid), dreams about inviting a serial killer into my life to kill me while I slept (and realizing how frightening and stupid that decision was) and a dream where all ten of my fingers had been amputated. Thanks, subconscious...glad to know that you object to the anxiety being taken out of my waking life. Objection noted. Now, shut the hell up!
And the adventure continues.
One last note, I was walking past the movie theatre on my way home this week, and overheard a snippet of conversation (imagine if you will, in your finest British accent) "Ben Affleck really is an excellent actor." If that doesn't remind me to take it all with a grain of salt: not to get too worked up about my process, I don't know what will!
Always so much food for thought. Love that you are so metaphoric--it's how I make sense of the world, too. But both the overwhelming number of choices at the hardware store and the need to let go really hit home. For the hardware store, I remind myself that I can always come back and try a different tool if the one I take home today doesn't quite work--or like heeling in the plants in my front yard until I can plant them properly, and knowing that the ground orchid I put in this morning won't survive long in that bright sun, but for today and tomorrow it is just what I needed there. It may also recover once I replace it with something that better bears so much fierce light and get the orchid back into the shade. My university nightmares were never about forgetting clothing, but rather getting to the end of the semester and realizing I forgot to go to class the whole time and now there was an exam. I still have those :)
ReplyDeleteone word: OUCH! If my toes were meant to curl under like that-they would have been created curled! Keep up the strength and endurance-we're prayin for ya!
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